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Sunday, January 8th, 2006

Subject:i didn't steal your boyfriend.
Time:1:51 am.
Mood: blah.
i wish i was the kind of friend that people immediately think to call to have a good time, to make them smile, to share good news, to just say hi, to make plans.

instead of 'oh, just-this-girl-i-used-to-talk-to-sometimes' that never gets calls.

i'll never forget some of you: mike, lisa, mike...

and almost everyday, i regret not being a better friend to you. for the times i was confused, too needy, not good at keeping in touch, overly attached - i appologize.

now its to the point where you just let go i guess, and accept that those will from now and forever be 'old friends.' not in the way that you go way back with someone, you know, him and i have been good friends for years. no, just in the way that we used to be friends, and now we're not. this is incredibly sad.

if you read this, don't be upset. just say 'hi, ive missed you too.'
because i dont give up until well, never. i always have a shred of hope. even for boys that are dicks.

i am a true coward. posting stuff like this on my stupid livejournal that i never write in, that no one ever reads. instead of just trying to talk to people and tell them how i feel. i write it here. dumb.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

Subject:so everybody put your best suit or dress on...
Time:12:06 am.
Mood: indescribable.
i am now a kindergarten teacher...go thunderclouds!


i am a sad girl...i want my friends back...thats all i want...no friends in a 100 mile radius...not a one...wilmington, DE is a thief...port byron, IL is a thief...and in some cases, for those who only live 5 minutes away and therefore i cannot put the blame on a far-away location, time is a thief
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, August 13th, 2005

Subject:waiting for the love of a traveling soldier
Time:2:23 am.
Mood: annoyed.
i now know that just because i love you...doesnt mean i have to like you.

by the way, mxpx will always remind me of you...no matter when and where i hear them.

and by the way, alkaline trio will always remind me of you...no matter when and where i hear them.

when did my journal become a place all about you and you?

lets go to the punk rock show because i'm glad i have people i call friends
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005

Subject:i sit here trying to convince myself its true...but you keep on pretending you have no clue
Time:10:18 am.
Mood: angry.
jen and i planned to go to the academy is.../plain white t's show in freeport, il...im not sure if it was a genuine attempt to see said bands or if it was a chance at a mini roadtrip...either way, so friday we drove to freeport no problem...entered the city limits at about the estimated 2.00 hours...but then we somehow got lost in the city of freeport, which is only 26,000 strong, for OVER 2 HOURS...and yes, we did ask for directions...from 3 seperate sources, on 4 occasions...so we got to freeport at 6:00 but didnt get to the show until 8:30...lost in the killing country...with ploys and killing machines abound!...including the chicken people with their chicken car...and after all of that, i would have to say that the show was just okay...im afraid that we probably did end up hurting our friend tom's feelings by not saying the right things, the things he wanted to hear...i appologize for that...i just couldnt think on the spot...on the way home i thought of a million reasons to tell you...but like i said, none at the time...youre not a kid in a band...youre my friend...and i cant distinguish that.

and here goes my rant:
you were my best friend...you were my first love...i would like to think that would mean something/anything to you...but apparently it doesnt...i would like to tell you off...but i know i shouldnt even waste my effort on you...you wont care...ill end up feeling worse...like i always do when it comes to you...but honestly, i just cannot believe that you couldnt even say 'hello' to me after all that we have been through together...after you knew what a horrible time i had trying to even get there that night...i guess i really do need to start getting used to the disappointment that stems from you...i am honest with myself and try to not allow situations where i would potentially be disappointed from you...but somewhere deep inside, im not listening to myself...because i know that somewhere deep inside of you is someone that i think i might have seen at least once, the REAL you...the one that is not being a tough guy...the one that really isnt shy...the one that really isnt depressed...the one that really isnt self concious...the one that loved me back...and the one that would admit it...i wish i could force myself to get over all of this...i tell myself that we are NOT friends...that i am not going to put any effort into you because you dont put any effort into me...im not asking for you to be my best friend again...but i am asking you to at least say 'hello' to me, you asshole...its not even like you have done anything for me EVER for me to feel this way towards you...you were never all that nice to me...you never got all that attached to me...it was on the verge of mental and emotional abuse...i know you used me, whether it was because you were bored, because you wanted to inflict some kind of jealousy on your girlfriend, because you needed a ride...but i took all those chances because at least i was spending time with you...it is so sad to me that i would actually do that to myself...like one of those women that is beat by her husband, but doesnt leave him because 'he loves me, i know that he does'...bullshit...people dont change...thank god we didnt end up having sex...i would be even more of a mess...somehow, even though you put me into a depression that my mom gave me pills for, i thought that we were good for each other...turns out, i was good for you, and you were toxic for me...this isnt the first time ive realized this...but im forcing myself to document it...forcing my eyes open...i just wish that i would never ever again feel that ping in my chest when i look at you...its all lies, but i still feel it...and im telling myself that i dont want to ever feel anything from you ever again, good or bad.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:so there you are...and here i stand
Time:9:55 am.
Mood: groggy.
laziness to retype similar story = email: copy and paste
im not sure when the last time you saw the trio was...the last time i
saw them was warped tour two or three years ago...i dont really count
that though...since they were 3 miles away and all...before that i saw
them on the vagrant across america tour at the metro, which was
amazing...and before that was the first time i saw them in the
ballroom at ISU with my exboyfriend david during my first semester
finals week...dec 2000...i should not have been out, and i should have
been home studying like the rest of the campus...the show was
practically empty...but it was alkaline trio...so i couldnt pass it
up...especially after that summer and fall spending time with
you...and coming to a greater appreciation for alkaline trio than i
already had...so...i didnt realize your sister likes alkaline trio

the only good part was this adorable kid next to me who commiserated
with me about my/our horrible position and situation through looks and
faces...he was just too cute...i didnt say one word to him...but after
the show he turned to me and said 'bye bye sexy'...and blew me a
kiss...he was either metrosexual or homosexual...one of those
'sexual's...it was the only amusing thing of the entire night...matt
was completely confused why this kid was blowing me a kiss...which was
also amusing...besides our close parking spot, which was awesome...oh
and i did get a poster :)

i shouldve asked him his name...he might have made a good new friend.

i have attached a photo of my new favorite thing...i was on the hunt
for it this week and finally got it on the third try after it being
sold out at two other stores...his name is DARTH TATER :)


so...kiss-blowing kid, i'm looking for you.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, June 8th, 2005

Subject:dont you weep
Time:4:23 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
i have come to the realization that i do not have the ability to make friends, nor to keep them, but my new philosophy regarding friends is that i am not going to put forth effort into someone who does not put forth effort into me...ironically, my most recent fortune cookie offered the advice of 'the best way to gain a friend is to be one'...most of my dissolving 'friends' need to read that and realize its directed at them...fortune cookies are so right on.

with a few single tears dripping down my face...

i watched this:
did it all get real?, i guess it's real enough
they got refrigerators full of blood
another century spent pointing guns
at anything that moves
sometimes i worry that i've lost the plot
my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
i never really dreamed of heaven much
until we put him in the ground
but it's all i'm doing now
listening for patterns in the sound
of an endless static sea
but once the satellite's deceased
it blows like garbage through the streets
of the night sky to infinity
but don't you weep, don't you weep for them
don't you weep, don't you weep
there is nothing as lucky
honey, don't you weep, don't you weep for them
don't you weep, don't you weep
there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free
don't be a criminal in this police state
you better shop and eat and procreate
you got vacation days then you might escape
to a condo on the coast
i set my watch to the atomic clock
i hear the crowd count down till the bomb gets dropped
i always figured that there'd be time enough
i never let it get me down
but i can't help it now
looking for faces in the clouds
i got some friends i barely see
but we're all planning to meet
we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
all together for eternity
but don't you weep, don't you weep for them
don't you weep, don't you weep
there is no one as lucky
honey, don't you weep, don't you weep for them
don't you weep, don't you weep
there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

then i watched this:
Room 722
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Late December
1, 2...1, 2, 3, 4...
i'd like to give a shout out to all the G.Y.P.s
and individualize because i am an M.C.
i can because i care cause my family's there
cause i, cause i...
cause i appreciate the mentality of music
saving all my sentences
unless of course theyre smoothly spoken
quiet type, the kind to watch out for
no man of the clan perpertrating the scam
sure, im the boy with the fallopian voice
straight from the sleeve of any wizard of choice
i got the reason to be roaming out the coverage area
send me the bill if all my loving is scarying you
day to dream the way that i believe
got the skill to go commando in any fatiques
i got the best damn...in the music scene
so flow solo and just let it be because of the love
oh the self-realization is the if, and, and but
cause you gotta know your name before you play at the game
keep a level-headed check on your health and stay sane
adjust the tack on the track, put the needle on the record, and prepare for playback
sajack, could i buy another vowel?
i need another clue and i could also use a towel
and how goes the medium tempo
slaying all the teaches like the class of '84
were down low you know my fidelities go
well i would never hurt a fly with my flip flops on
got control, even keep a clean toilet bowl
2000 flushes blue and its still going strong
do i do what i do for the sake of the song coming through on the radio?
its for you, this is proof, my own story's a spoof
i'll always be a gypsy or forever be aloof
and if you never get to liking me its okay too
but you made it this far so pay a toll at the booth
and move on, yeah i got top score on donkey kong, move on
move on, move-a, move-a, move-a, move-a, move on
true or false? i can be a sensitive man
with sensible plans for the everyday woman
and i can keep her eating out the palm of my hand
because the dope that we smoke was grown on my land
the words are burned, they don't come from a can
the movie in my mind will be the winner at cannes
so take your chance, apply for full or part time romance
cleverer the better, measure up to whatever
cause it don't matter how tall, how fat or how small
the equal opportunity is open to all
the casting call, the line forms down the hall
all you need is ID that shows you're legal
but people with egos, well you better not go
cause you know i don't need those
and if there is a problem that i really ought to read
post it on the web care of RKOP
its easy like me but a bit less the sleazy
go heavy on the melody and add a little cheese
and if you can't stand the kitchen get the hell out of the heat
to meet with the geek all you need is a heart beat
beat beat beat beat beat beat beat beat...
and remember that fame, fame is nothing more than loving someone
and fortune is nothing more than loving what you do,
is nothing more than loving you
i'm here at a very big hole
well, i'm type A positive and just the way i like it
right away i'm satisfied with my food before i try it
can't deny it to save my life, i'm never lying
to brave this mic without the same thing twice
is actually an act of staying up all night
with the mood just right and the purchase of a flight
from the west coast, to the northern lights
its aurora borealis' company that i'm tight with
despite all the things that you've heard
i'll admit that most is true and i'll be keeping my word
by doing double duty on the search for new verbs
and i report to work early to deliver the word
with a back well covered by the buddies of ease
there ain't no way in hell that i could catch a disease
and breaking all the codes on the latest machines
well i will even let you download me for free
i'm free, i'm free...
just remember that fame, fame is nothing more than loving someone
and fortune is nothing more than loving what you do
and the in eyes of love, love will overcome
love will overcome, the love, love, over, overcome
its true, cause look what you've done to me,
to the gypsy.

and i felt a little better...my insides straightened out.

but then you kind of talked to me...and they got all mixed up again...that deserves a grr and a meh.

sometimes i dont know if i should say 'please, stay,' or 'go away'
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

Subject:you think you know me well...but you dont know me
Time:12:02 pm.
Mood: surprised.
so let me tell you all about how my life got flipped turned upside down...

well at least let me tell you about a boy named patrick:

so a long while ago...when i was all of about 16...jen and i were at a show...at the VFW hall on st. charles next to jewel...the show was lame...we were just there for the t's...so we were sitting in some chairs on the side...let me tell you, we enjoy some chairs...and this little boy carrying a skateboard comes over with some badly skinned knees...as in blood dripping down his leg...and asks if he could sit next to me...i obliged...the kid looked like he was hurting...but he played it cool...we enjoyed some conversation...he was maybe 12...he told us how he really liked the plain white T's...i told him i would introduce him to tom, as my date...fun was had...i think he forgot about his knees for a little bit...and i had myself a new boyfriend, named patrick.

time passes...i saw him occasionally at shows...sometimes with his mom...he is absolutely adorable...and i always at least say hi

more time passes...5 years or so...i still occasionally see him at shows...now sans-mom...he is still absolutely adorable...i dont bother him though

i also noticed him in the fall out boy dead on arrival video and my heart will always be the B-side to your tongue DVD

so now...a few days ago...he messaged me on myspace asking if i remember him...my response...how could i not?

man, let me just say if only i was 16 again.

i hope im not embarassing myself
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, March 21st, 2005

Subject:girl, tonight you look so pretty...yes you do...times square cant shine as bright as you
Time:9:56 pm.
Mood: blah.
i want this dress:

that is all.

ps...today i ended up crying to toms mom in jewel osco...shes so incredibly nice.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, February 3rd, 2005

Subject:out of the house she grabs the keys runs for the hills and doesnt leave a letter
Time:10:22 pm.
Mood: sick.
to jen:

she gets it.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, January 19th, 2005

Subject:attention attention...can i have all your eyes and ears to the front of the room
Time:12:54 pm.
Mood: sick.
"You're more punk, hardcore, mod, straightedge, emo, indie than me. Your hair is cooler, your pants are tighter, you have more tattoos. You have cooler pins on your messenger bag and your favorite band is more obscure than mine. Your shoes are more vintage and so is your t-shirt. You own more black clothes than me. I don't even own a trucker cap OR a denim jacket. Your glasses are thicker and blacker than mine, the plugs in your ears are bigger. You know more people in bands and your girl jeans are the envy of scenesters everywhere. Your photography is blacker and whiter, your My Space, melodramatic.com and FTJ.com profiles are wittier, and you have much better soul records. Your scene points are double, perhaps triple, mine. Because as we all know, that's what really matters. In a scene where the music has taken a backseat to the haircuts, you win and I lose."

This is interesting...so true yet so...i dont know...sometimes i really care how i am perceived...but actually no one is ever looking at me anyway...and if you are then ill think about letting you know me...i find myself being jealous of other peoples 'connections' and 'friends' and the great time that they always seem to be having...maybe youre in a band...i come to your show and leave promptly at the end...im really not interested in staying and talking to you...although im interested in you...how oxymoronic...i dont know...if i had wanted the connections and the great time i should have made the choice for a different boy a few years ago...i can see my life being much different in that relationship...no regrets though...hes meant to be with someone else...as am i...although he has had a strange reaction to my engagement and said 'i love you' to me recently...this from someone who has gone from one extreme to another with using that phrase...'i say it to my friends, the people i love'...'i cant say that to anyone except my girlfriend'...so thats a bit confusing...and years too late

bleh...i have bronchitis...and have been coughing up blood...meh meh double meh
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005

Subject:Jolene we know that you'll never let us go
Time:5:09 pm.
Mood: hungry.
Interesting...do you agree about me?

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, January 2nd, 2005

Subject:i was going for stealth...
Time:10:00 pm.
Mood: shocked.
Bold statements are true:

I have kissed someone...

on the cheek.
on the lips.
on their hands or fingers.
in my room.
in their room.
of the same sex.
of the opposite sex.
related to me.
younger then me.
older than me.
with jet black hair.
with curley hair.
with blonde hair & blue eyes.
with flamming red hair.
with straight hair.
smaller/shorter than me.
bigger/taller than me.
with a lip ring.
who was drunk.
who was high.
who I had just met.
who was homosexual.
who I didn't really want to kiss.
on a holiday.
who was going out with someone close to me.
who was my good friend's brother or sister.
who had been/is in jail.
in a graveyard.
at a show/concert.
at the beach.
in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water.
who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with.
with dyed hair.
with a shaved head.
who was/is my good friend.
who was/is in a band.
who has tattoos.
who is of a completely different race then me.
in the rain.
in another continent besides where I was born.
with an accent.
with an std.
on a boat.
in a car/taxi/bus.
on a plane.
at the circus/carnival.
with a missing body part.
in the movies.
eskimo style.
with butterfly kisses.

weird...seems like a whole lot of kissing...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

Subject:if i get one ray of sunlight to hold in my hand...
Time:1:20 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
i am engaged :)

look at our wedding webpage: http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?coupleid=3240123705106256

ps...im posting on matt's new ibook...very neat.

also...supposedly there is a 'secret show' tonight at the bottom lounge...falloutboy,spitalfield, plainwhitets, and june...if this is true i will be one happy girl.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, December 19th, 2004

Subject:ill sit and wonder about every love that could have been...
Time:6:28 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
im not a fraud anymore...i have brown hair...with purple...ooh

i just wrapped christmas presents...i am a damn good wrapper...

that is all.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, December 12th, 2004

Subject:do you love me?...now that i can daaannncce! watch me now!
Time:11:06 am.
im always wondering if people appreciate me as much as i appreciate them...does everyone do this?...i always think that i like people more than they like me...im wondering about you.

by the way, i feel like a fraud with my picture being with brown hair and all...my hair hasnt been brown for months...
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, December 5th, 2004

Time:11:14 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
matt and i just made a christmas CD called 'Rock Out on Christmas'...its cute...half for me and half for him...

1. Fall Out Boy - Yule Shoot Your Eye Out
2. Jimmy Eat World - Last Christmas
3. Something Corporate - Forget December
4. Phantom Planet - Winter Wonderland
5. Death Cab for Cutie - Baby Please Come Home
6. Duvall - Angels We Have Heard on High
7. Fountains of Wayne - I Want an Alien for Christmas
8. Mxpx - Christmas Day
9. Mighty Mighty Bosstones - This Time of Year
10. New Found Glory - Ex Miss
11. Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home for Christmas
12. No Doubt - Oi to the World
13. Weezer - Christmas Song
14. Phantom Planet - Carol of the Bells

so...who wants a copy?

also...we went to the Bears vs. the Vikings game today...and they won 24 to 14...whoo...my blue and orange 'touchdown' panties proved to be good luck!...ha
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, November 25th, 2004

Subject:it's just what anyone would do...take the time to talk about it
Time:8:30 am.
Mood: determined.
Here is some literature for you non-believers of freeipods.com:

The company that runs freeipods.com

An article affirming the offer from wired.com

Testimonial pages

and for all you girly girls...your next free product can be from http://www.freehandbags.com/ or http://www2.pinkphone4free.com :)
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, November 24th, 2004

Subject:say yes...say yes...say yes!
Time:11:37 am.
Mood: hopeful.
well i already posted this on a myspace bulletin...but here it is again:

win me a free i-pod, please!
Body: so if you all go to freeipods.com, you can win/earn me a free ipod...i need five referrals...which means five people to go on to freeipods.com through my 'personal link,' which is http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12272191

and then complete one online offer...some examples of the online offers are a 2 week trial to blockbuster.com, which is the one i did, BMG music service, Columbia House DVD service, 8 free weeks of the Wall Street Journal, 8 free weeks of USA Today, etc...

after you complete your one online offer, you will be helping me earn my free ipod...but also you will be on your way to earning your own free ipod...because you can then go and get five referrals for yourself and get yours!...you can choose between a 20GB Apple iPod, a 4GB Mini iPod in blue, gold, green, pink, or sliver, or a $250 iTunes gift certificate.

this isn't a joke or a scam...as far as i know...a boy i know did this and got his free ipod in the mail...go to this link to see proof and read more about how he did it... http://home.comcast.net/~baker-alex/iPod/

so if youre going to go and do this...please go to the website though my link, http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12272191 , so i can get credit for you as a referral

thanks, friends, for reading this bulletin and thanks ahead of time for going to http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12272191 and helping me, and yourself, to a free ipod!...love you.

do it! do it! do it, please!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, November 19th, 2004

Time:4:40 pm.
Mood: dorky.
After reading http://www.treggies.blogspot.com, the Sunday, November 14, 2004 entry to be exact, this conversation followed:

Superphan2: im laughing about paul newman and his mexican garb
Superphan2: i clicked the link...im laughing more
Superphan2: he dressed so many different ways!
Superphan2: how hilarious
Dutchoven2: i know
Dutchoven2: now imagine you now, that was me in dominicks on sunday
Superphan2: im laughing so hard
Dutchoven2: alone
Superphan2: im crying
Superphan2: i hardly even cry when i laug
Dutchoven2: i know, i kept walking back to see the salsa
Dutchoven2: did you read the stories?
Superphan2: im laughing so hard
Superphan2: stories?
Superphan2: if i click on each dressing?
Dutchoven2: yeah
Superphan2: oh goodness
Superphan2: i cant take it
Dutchoven2: i know, it's funny
Dutchoven2: it's funnier cuz he knows it's funny
Superphan2: this shit is priceless
Superphan2: my dad just walked in and was like 'ranch dressing?!?"
Superphan2: "youre looking up ranch??"
Dutchoven2: ha
Superphan2: i explained
Superphan2: he didnt think it was funny
Superphan2: :-\
Dutchoven2: ugh
Superphan2: my mom knew about it
Superphan2: she thinks its funny
Superphan2: she says the stories are on the back of the bottles
Superphan2: momma is telling me to look at the salsa stories
Superphan2: no sauce
Superphan2: pasta sauce stories
Dutchoven2: word
Superphan2: http://www.newmansown.com/4f_steaksauce.html
Superphan2: hes a bull!
Superphan2: http://www.newmansown.com/4g2_juice.html
Superphan2: that moustache!!
Dutchoven2: yeah i know
Dutchoven2: i thought the salsa moustache ruled also
Dutchoven2: i love paul
Superphan2: no one seems to think its as funny as me
Dutchoven2: i do
Superphan2: oh my god
Superphan2: so fucking funny
Dutchoven2: yeah
Dutchoven2: that's why i have so many links on my page, i kept finding funnier and funnier things
Superphan2: yeah
Superphan2: and its funny cause i did the same thing from your first link
Superphan2: and then i went back to your blog...and i was like i just looked at all of those...in the sae order
Superphan2: same
Superphan2: weird
Dutchoven2: ha
Dutchoven2: we rule
Dutchoven2: kinda
Superphan2: kinda?
Superphan2: speak for yourself...
Superphan2: as for me...I RULE
Dutchoven2: word

i seriously love this kid.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, November 11th, 2004

Subject:my life on holiday...
Time:11:07 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
i start my job tomorrow...TA...Woodridge...im tired...i love certain people...you know who you are.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

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